45 min read

Australia Trip Log

Australia Trip Log
The Kuranda Scenic Railway at Barron Falls

What’s this trip about? The idea was that I was going down to pick up a friend, which turned into going to down to see a bunch of Australia. Long story short I flew on a plane, an animal visited my shoe, and I walked up a hill. Long story long, well, read on!

24 January 2023

04:30 – Victoria, Canada

It’s way to early, but at least the adrenaline for this trip is helping me wake up. I left work early yesterday, but nothing really helps with these crazy early wakeup calls. It’s time to go back to the airport, which I was at less than eight hours ago. I feel like I would have been better sleeping on the couch! Regardless, time for the last bowl of Raisin Bran at home and to get moving. My plane won’t wait for me!

It's nice to see some friends at the gate, including my Australian colleague – how fitting! On the airplane, one of the flight attendants is super bubbly – like the personification of the high school prank of filling a fountain with dish soap! I’m wondering how she’s so positive this early in my head, but the passengers behind me aren’t so subtle. They’re loudly talking about how she’s so happy and it’s far too early for that.

Once I get to Vancouver, it’s time for my last Tim Hortons visit. I get a big earl grey tea and a bagel as a snack for the flight to Houston, Texas. Why, you might be wondering, is that somewhere I am going en route to Australia. Vancouver to Brisbane is 11,000km, and the detour to Houston and then down to Sydney adds 6,000km to that, for a total of 17,069km to be travelled today. Taking the direct down also would have let me catch the 6pm flight, not the 6am. However, I have this amazing idea that looking at the flight loads, I might be able to get into United Polaris, their business class product, which sounds like a wonderful way to spend a flight down to Australia.

Critics could argue that to accomplish this amazing idea I have to take a detour that adds virtually the entire length of the YVR BNE flight to my journey. Those critics are absolutely correct.

Tea in hand, it’s time to burn over to the E gates for my connecting flight. I’ve got to go through US Customs and Border Protection, but that should be quick. I follow the little American flags and round the corner to see… security? Wait a second folks, I’m already in the secure area of the airport. I just got off a connecting flight. What is this?

Apparently, the Americans want us to get really secure, so we’re doing this thing again. Do they have special socialism scanners at this checkpoint to make sure no one is importing any free healthcare? Oh, and that big tea I got? See you later, friend. This day is off to a sad start.

Once I’m through CBP, it’s over to Tim’s again for my last visit take two. I’m guarding this one with my life, no one is taking another tea off me. We board on time and push out of rainy Vancouver, en route to some warmer weather.

11:40 – Over the US, somewhere

Well, things are getting interesting. I’m walking down to use the bathroom and the inflight crew are huddled in the galley, and I can just make out a few words. Those words are “alternate” “red alert” and “lightning” … not the thing I’m hoping for. I know everything in Texas is big, but I wasn’t hoping for any big weather systems. It sounds like we might have some difficulty getting into IAH airport, and might need to go somewhere else. So far, no announcement from the crew, so we’re still pushing ahead by all accounts.

A couple hours later and its music to my ears, “Welcome to Houston, local time is 3:40pm. At this time, mobile receiving and transmitting functions…” We seem to have dodged the storm, but you can see its impacts. The grass all around the airport has decided that it’s better suited as a lake, and turned into one. Also, we can’t taxi to the gate since another aircraft is still on it, giving me lots of time to enjoy my new view of what I thought was in Banff, the famous More Rain Lake.

Once we do get to the gate, I scoot over to the D/E gates for my connecting flight, even though it’s not for four hours. Some airports are kind of bland, and honestly could be anywhere on earth. Houston is not one of those airports. Everything here is HUGE. Hold on, why does it smell like a fire in here? Did the lightning strike the building and set it alight? Rounding the corner, I find the answer. There’s a Texas wood-fired BBQ joint in the middle of the building. They’ve got a real smoker, right here in the airport. The entire wing smells like a campfire…including all the luxury stores. I’m not sure Louis Vuitton is in love with all their handbags smelling like someone was making s’mores out of them, but there we are.

After milling around the airport for a bit, I approach the agent working my flight to have a little chat and see what my chances at getting onloaded into business class are. She’s super lovely and tells me that my chances are…very bad. This aircraft has a weight restriction, and without any of the 23 staff, has only 1000lbs left of usable load. Transport Canada sets the average weight of a male at around 200lbs, meaning I am very much in trouble. Standby traveller mode is activated, and I’m searching out alternatives. The SFO and LAX flights to SYD don’t leave for a while yet, but I can’t list myself on any connecting flights from IAH to SFO or LAX as they’re all too close to departure. I run over to the customer service desk, but there’s a line about as long as the walk to San Francisco, so that’s not going to work.  I resign myself to the fact that this will either work, or I’ll be sleeping here in Texas and trying again tomorrow. On the plus side, I could visit NASA Johnston Space Centre!

I slowly walk back from the customer service desk to my gate, surely confusing everyone who just saw me sprint the other way. I hang around the gate and finally, there’s great news. The agent lets everyone know that they’ve resolved the weight issue, and staff have been onloaded. I get seat 21E, a middle seat in the United Premium Plus cabin. I was hoping for business, but premium economy for 18 hours isn’t too bad either!

I do try the trick of waiting until the very end, however, the business class cabin did board full and there wasn’t a chance for any further upgrades. Sydney, here we come!

Onboard the aircraft, I’m met by my lovely seatmate, Clinton from Australia. He’s just been down to Chile visiting his girlfriend, and is now making the arduous journey back home. He’s absolutely fantastic, and we chat for a bit during take off and into the first meal service, where I get the very tasty stuffed pasta. United Airlines apparently has a love for pasta, because on top of serving it, they’ve got a pasta relaxation channel on the seatback TVs. There are the usual ones, rainforest, river, etc and then there’s a whole hour of people making pasta in slow motion with relaxing music! This is just amazing.

Thanks to the much wider seat than economy, I can sort of lie on my side and get some sleep. I figure I get about six or seven hours, maybe more. I can’t think of a time that I slept better than this on a plane, which is fantastic. Getting to Sydney and not being exhausted is a huge deal.

As a final note on this flight, there’s some interesting Texas action. One of the flight attendants referred to everyone as “baby,” which is a little jarring the first time if I’m honest. “Hey baby, what can I get you to drink?” was not how I was expecting to be asked, but that’s apparently just a Texan thing! I don’t think I heard her use any other greeting the entire flight. Then, some poor sod made the mistake of getting tired of the queue in economy for the bathroom, and walked up to business. He came to my attention as he was quickly walking back down the aisle, with a flight attendant in hot pursuit yelling at him. “SIR! SIR! DO NOT COME HERE TO USE THE BATHROOM! YOU MUST USE THE BATHROOM IN YOUR TICKETED CLASS OF SERVICE!”

Uh, alright there ma’am. My next issue is that premium economy is too small to have a dedicated bathroom on this aircraft. My instinct is to use economy but who knows, maybe I’ll be chased up the plane?

26 January 2023

Where has the 25th gone? We’ve skipped a whole day! The lights come on as the Dreamliner descends into the Sydney airport, and we’re almost in Australia. Things still feel the right way up but maybe once we get off the plane we’ll be upside down?

The service director makes a stern announcement about the biosecurity of Australia, which I did not need because I have watched Border Security: Australia’s Front Line on YouTube. I know that one stray blade of grass on your shoe will net you a $10,000 fine and six months in jail… or something like that. They seriously do not mess around here.

Once off the flight I’m expecting a full pat down, rummage through my bag, and probably an hour-long interview on when the last time I touched some produce was. Weirdly, all I have to do is go through a kiosk, an e-gate, and then walk past a customs officer who asked one question (“anyone else you’re travelling with?”) and I was free from the biosecurity freedom fighters. Welcome to Australia!

Once I got into town on the very efficient and equally expensive train, I make a small discovery. It’s a national holiday, Australia Day. It’s also termed Invasion Day by many as it is literally on the day that the continent was first landed on by Europeans. Talk about antagonistic to indigenous peoples.

Circular Quay is bustling, being the centre point for most of the days celebrations. Later, fireworks are going to happen here, but right now most things are just getting set up. My hotel, booked last minute in Houston with a Marriott Bonvoy Free Night Award is the Pier One – Autograph Collection and it’s right under the harbour bridge. I figured it was easiest to have somewhere downtown and this was the best deal as cash rates were pretty high last minute, but I didn’t realise that I’d be booking somewhere right at the centre of the action for the day. What a stroke of luck!

Checking in, a very nice front desk agent is helping me until some dude behind me starts shouting at me – SPIDER! SPIDER! Well, I really am in Australia, I guess. Some little rascal is on my backpack, and this kind dude is making sure I know about it! I throw my backpack on the ground and get the spider off. Okay, back to the races until some other dude rolls right up to the desk and starts a fight with the front desk agent helping me about the roads being closed and him having to walk his bags over from a side street. I was so shocked that he’d just totally interrupted my check in and what this agent was doing, I didn’t know what to say. She in the end had to clarify he wasn’t with me and gets him to wait in line. What is with all the pests in this lobby?

I didn’t catch her name, but she was super nice in upgrading my room and allowing an early check in, at about 10am. I was mostly just going to ask about dropping my bag!

After a short rest, it’s time to get out and see what’s going on in Sydney. Right as I leave the hotel there’s a tall ship going underneath the bridge, which is so cool. Figuratively speaking, that is. It’s actually extremely hot. I’m rocking the full Health Canada sun smart look, which seems to be effective at preventing skin cancer but I’m starting to worry about heat exhaustion from wearing long sleeves and long pants. Walking along the waterfront I discover the botanical gardens, and push on further to an outdoor pool with a stunning view of an… aircraft carrier. Top Gun aficionados will rejoice but I’m not sure about everyone else loving this huge steel monolith bearing down on the park. For lunch, I stop at the café in the botanical garden and get an up-close view of the wildlife – an Australian white ibis wanders through, looking for a snack and has to be chased out by the manager. Turns out that no one here calls them that though, they’re widely known as bin chickens.

The next stop is The Calyx, which is a funny little interpretive garden. They’ve got a wonderful living wall on the side, and then various beds in the middle of the greenhouse that have different plants in them. I gotta say, this is the first time I’ve ever come into a greenhouse and had it be cooler than outside. If they didn’t air condition this though, all the plants would fry instantly.

The exhibit on right now is Love Your Nature, and it’s all about the sexual relations of plants! I didn’t know orchids could get it on, but apparently, they can. There’s also my favourite thing to see going on, a full Instagram photoshoot. This lady is taking about a thousand photos over herself, in ever so slightly changing positions throughout the garden.

After a stop by they Sydney Museum, it’s time for a little jaunt on the harbour ferries. I don’t have a destination in mind, I just looked at the board and found whatever was departing first. Turns out it was departing a little too soon, because by the time I fought through the crowds and got through the fare gate they were just about to depart. The deckhand let me on, muttering as I boarding the gangway “I only am letting you on because this is the last ferry for four hours”

Wait, what?!

Darn, he’s not wrong. The harbour goes into a full lockdown for the fireworks and other festivities, but it starts very early. I guess I won’t be exploring whatever Double Bay had to offer, because I absolutely need to stay on this ferry and get back to Circular Quay. It’s a fun ferry ride around the harbour, but my next concern is how can I disguise myself for when we arrive back at the terminus so the annoyed deckhand doesn’t realise he totally didn’t need to hold the ferry for me? I can’t figure out anything good, so I try to blend in with the crowd as I disembark which goes super well.

Everyone else is wearing bikinis and shorts, so I, still sporting a huge hat and long everything, am about as inconspicuous as a 73-ton $9 million battlefield ready M1 Abrams Tank powered by the Honeywell AGT1500 gas turbine engine trying to sneak through a library. Thankfully, I’m pretty sure I’m just imagining how annoyed this guy is and even though he definitely sees me, he doesn’t say anything.

On the way home, I settle for a simple supper of takeaway from the supermarket, where I can get breakfast and airplane lunch at the same time. Since it’s so cheap, I also grab a mango for dessert. My hotel has some cutlery in the room so this will work perfectly.

My room does have some cutlery. Notably, two Nespresso spoons (what else?) with ends no bigger than a penny to stir coffee. The knife and fork I was thinking of and counting on for my salad and cutting the mango were actually on the airplane.

Right. Well, time to eat a huge bowl of salad with the worlds tiniest spoon, one shredded carrot strand at a time. The mango presents the next issue. In what I would classify as a major scientific discovery, spoons are very bad at cutting mango skin. The only other solution is tearing the skin off and eating the whole thing with just my hands, creating quite the juxtaposition of eating like a primate would while also in a stunning hotel room.

Come to think of it, the restaurant downstairs probably would have given me a knife.

The cutlery catastrophe comes to a sharp end with what sounds like an explosion – what is an explosion! Firework time has arrived and it’s no more than three minutes from the lobby down the causeway to a perfect lookout over the harbour and across to the Opera House, where they have the sails illuminated and are performing a whole concert. The fireworks provide some extra oomph to various songs, including the British Airways boarding music, Flower Duet. My flight from Texas apparently had some freeloaders on it, because half of this performance is the most redneck thing I’ve ever seen. In the middle of the harbour there’s jet skiers with fireworks coming out of their backpacks, and the one jet ski towing a flock of water skiers, who also have fireworks on their backs! All the boats permitted to be in the harbour at this point are decked out with LED lights around the outside, all of which are in sync and changing colour to the tune. It’s incredibly impressive.

Canada Day in Victoria is becoming more and more boring with every passing minute. Next year just before 1 July I have to write into the Times Colonist and suggest something like this routine, and see how many protests I can spark in Oak Bay.

Once they have filled their air with so much smoke that I’m having trouble seeing the sidewalk below my feet, they finally call it quits and the show is over and I quickly retreat to my hotel before the rest of the crowds exit the viewing area.

27 January 2023

Ah, the view out my window of the sun rising over the Sydney Opera House is something to behold. I pack up and head out to the train station, getting going early to catch the 0930 flight to Cairns on Qantas. I chose this flight because it’s operated on the Airbus A330-200, an aircraft I’ve never flown before. The size also really helps my odds of getting on while travelling standby.

I think I misinterpreted the Google Maps transit times, because I am definitely not getting to the airport by 0830, which is what I was hoping for. By the looks of things, I’ll be there at about 0845, which might be when boarding starts for such a large plane. Hopefully the security line is okay.

Getting to the domestic terminal, I hustle to the security checkpoint to find it entirely abandoned. There are the security officers and absolutely no one else around. What more, domestic flights don’t need ID or boarding pass checks at security, nor are there restrictions on liquids. All I have to do is throw my bag in a bin and walk through the scanner, getting me through the whole deal faster than it takes to read the signs in Canada explaining what you need to take out of your bag. This is fantastic.

I board the plane with just my boarding pass, still no ID checks. This whole thing is starting to be a little bizarre, considering I could just give my boarding pass to anyone. At the door they check it again, just to be certain I have a boarding pass. Well, be sure that someone has a boarding pass. They have no clue who.

After take off the crew come by with a full hot snack and drink service, which is incredible on a two-hour flight. I get chatting with them and after they go by again giving out Lindt chocolates, one of them comes back and dumps the remainder into my bag! She then took me for a tour of the plane, all through business and to the front galley to meet the rest of the crew. Thank you, lovely Qantas flight attendant (name withheld because who knows what corporate thinks of these things).

On landing in Cairns, I’m met with two problems at the aircraft door. One, the heat has gotten worse than Sydney and now it’s also VERY humid, creating problem two, I now have a lot of chocolate to eat very quickly!

Once inside the terminal I get a bus ticket, where the friendly clerk lets me know I can grab any checked bags and wait outside for the driver Wayne. Thanks friend, but no. I will be waiting inside for Wayne, in the sweet crispness of air-conditioned air. Once Wayne does show up, I see that driving the transfer bus is a off season job and his real job is a tour guide – or at least, so he believes. There isn’t a building he doesn’t comment on, and from the get go is letting all the passengers know about the rapidly changing tropical weather.

A pedestrian is yelling at us as we are driving away from the airport. Latecomer? No…turns out Wayne was too busy talking about the interesting things in Cairns and left the doors open on the trailer, with everyone else’s luggage inside! Oops!

Now knowing every fact about everywhere in this town, I’m dropped off at the Travellers Oasis hostel to meet up with Shanae and get this adventure underway. The original idea of this trip was merely me coming down to pick her up and bring her home from four months of working holiday, but transformed into a bit more of me seeing Australia.

I’m a little excited to see Shanae and very excited to have someone help me eat all this chocolate! Our hostel is great, it’s very small and homey. There are only a couple rooms in each house, and each room has three beds. I really like it compared to the IKEA flatpack style of ramming people in to every nook and cranny that some hostels have.

Once we’ve eaten the chocolates, it’s time to go out and see what Cairns has to offer. It’s a pretty small town, but there’s at least two markets (one sells fruit, one sells…darkness? What does a night market specifically sell?), and a decent selection of stores.

My favourite place we find is Kiss Teas, a very cute local tea merchant. The owner, Tami, is quick to give us samples of all her herbal concoctions, each with a different tea pun name. ParTEA, SerindipiTEA, SobrieTEA… She’s really passionate to share with us her tea making journey, and even more excited to share her opinions on how much she dislikes the tropical weather in the wet season. We explained that we’re from the rainy, grey West Coast of Canada which in her words, “Oh fuck I’d love to be there right now. Here it’s just… the fucking humidity!”

We thank her, and I resist the urge to wish her a Malcom Tucker goodbye of “FuckiTEA bye!” Next up, it’s the less profane and hopefully just as interesting night market.

Less profane, yes. Quiet, absolutely not. Entering the night market there was a food court that had the ambiance of a nightclub that is being DJ’d by someone who forgot they’re wearing industrial hearing protection. It’s earsplittingly loud, for no particular reason. Once inside, it’s actually quite nice and the first stop is the Australian hat stand. I really want an Australian outback hat, but when I put one on, I look in the mirror and staring back at me is someone who’s about to go aggressively drive their Dodge Ram 2500 Super Duty to the Bass Pro, running over cyclists and recycling bins, and rolling coal any time they see an electric car. Did I mention the F*CK TRUDEAU and the stick figure family make of AR-15s stickers on the back window?

Alright perhaps not quite. They definitely do have a certain Albertan redneck vibe to them however, which both makes sense and doesn’t really increase their appeal. The rest of the market is fairly typical tourist stuff, and eventually it’s time to head home. As soon as we walk through the way out, we’re welcomed with a wall of water! We’ve timed our exit perfectly to line up with the rain passing through, but we’re only going a block over to the grocery store. Thankfully in tropics these things pass fairly quickly, so after some quick shopping we can bring our groceries back to the hostel without getting further drenched.

28 January

We’re up early to get out to the Great Barrier Reef. Last night, the tour we had booked cancelled on us, since they only had a couple people registered. They transferred us to another one, which seems just as good. After a hardy breakfast of mango and bread with Biscoff spread, we’re off to the docks. It’s a fairly overcast day so far in Cairns, but hopefully that improves out on the water. From the initial reading, it looks like an hour and a half boat ride to get out to the swim platform where we snorkel.

Upon arriving at the boat, the paparazzi great us and take a bunch of photos of us in front of the boat. We’re welcomed onboard and presented waivers to read and sign. One part asks about any medication, which Shanae dutifully completes with full details about her over the counter foot fungus cream.

The helper comes back and seems fairly confused about the impacts of foot fungus on snorkelling, but out of an abundance of caution opts to give Shanae a high visibility pink snorkel that they give to anyone who isn’t good at snorkelling. This seems to be taken as a personal attack, as the first priority for the rest of the boat ride is disposing of this pink snorkel somewhere they won’t notice.

It’s almost time to go, and the last of the tour participants come onboard. It’s a big throng of older American tourists, which is immediately apparent by the volume and southern accents. Once we push away from the pier, they begin the important safety demonstration. Well, they think it’s important. And it does contain a demonstration. But safety… well, that was covered in about a minute and a half, outlining the lifejackets and escape routes. Then, for the next fifteen minutes we’re serenaded by the crew detailing all the extras we can purchase. The photographer comes on and tries to flog rental cameras for $70. A swim leader talks about a beginner snorkel course for $40 where they tow you around like how Kindergarteners go for walks. Finally, the helicopter pilot comes on to talk about his 10-minute reef flights… he doesn’t include a price, which I’m sure means I don’t want to know.

At about the same time the Important Capitalism Demonstration ends, we come out of the protected water and are advised by the crew to remain seated where possible as we are expecting some swell. One older American man doesn’t believe in Big Government telling him what to do, and promptly ignores the message to go downstairs and get a free coffee. Unfortunately, the message about big waves was truthful and not a conspiracy by China to undermine American sovereignty. Walking from his seat to the stairs he just about goes head over heels down the stairwell, and only maintains his balance thanks to quick intervention from the crew. I thought that was the end of that but a half hour later and the coffee had run out, which meant it was time to Live Free or Die, as New Hampshire says. It was another successful trip with more staff intervention, and thankfully for this dude we’re almost at the pontoon.

At this point Shanae is a little queasy and takes ginger tablets for seasickness but I’m good just looking forward. Besides, we’re almost there and then it’ll be all good.

Once we dock at the pontoon and the evil pink snorkel is hidden, we disembark and go to change to our swim suits and get all the equipment on. It is jellyfish season, so stinger suits must be worn for protection. Once we get in the water, I can’t believe what I’m seeing. The colour of this reef is absolutely incredible. It’s so vibrant and teeming with all sorts of fishes. I can almost hear David Attenborough narrating the whole thing since it feels right out of a BBC Blue Planet episode.

Here, in Northern Queensland, you can find examples of the rare Canadianus Visitori... and a fish of some sort

I look to my right and all of a sudden there’s this huge fish right in front of me. We were advised of this resident friend on the boat ride over, but I wasn’t expecting to see him as soon as I got in the water. Conveniently, the tour photographer is also right here, motioning for me to come closer for a better photo! I keep coming closer but she won’t stop motioning… at this point I’m within a couple centimetres of this guy, but apparently that’s where you have to be to get a good photo. And he doesn’t seem to mind – maybe there’s kickbacks to him for the photo sales.

As we keep snorkelling the reef, I start to feel a little queasy which I didn’t really know was a possibility while in the water. I figure I must be dehydrated or something, so motion to Shanae and get out of the ocean to get some water. At about this time lunch is also served, which is convenient. They put on a great lunch spread, but I only have salad and some fruit because anything heavy doesn’t seem like a good idea. After lunch, it’s back in the water for more snorkelling.

The wave action has not decreased since before lunch.

Up and down, up and down, up and down… okay, this is becoming an issue. I can’t look at a horizon while also looking down at the reef, and making constant turns to avoid fish and stay with Shanae. I’m starting to get properly nauseous, and need to get to the pontoon right away. I go and sit on the steps and…oh no. What goes down must come up. I think I’ve had enough of the motion of the ocean, and opt to sit on the deck for a while to hope I feel less sea sick. After a little bit, I feel a little better and we decide to not swim again, but do the semisubmersible boat!

Turns out, the boat also moves in the waves. And, a semisubmersible boat also does not have windows to the horizon, being partially underwater.

This is an even bigger failure than the snorkelling, and I honestly feel bad for the other people on the boat ride.  We do see some sharks and other wildlife on the ride, plus these funky hexagonal shapes they throw down underwater to prompt more reef growth. It was a fun time, except for the bits that weren't.

Once back on the big boat/pontoon, Shanae decides to swim on her own and I can rest up on the boat. I find the air conditioned inside the most appealing, so that’s where I’m situated. Once it’s time to pack up and go, some of the indigenous staff on the boat do a traditional digeridoo performance on the ride home. I’m totally into it, but the ethics seem a little questionable if they’re made to do it every time. I’m not sure. Great music, at least.

On the cruise home we also make friends with a mum who gives out these great nausea drugs. I’m doing so much better right away and my newfound drug dealer is also a good conversationalist! Her son was suffering from the same sea sickness while in the ocean, so I feel totally vindicated that I wasn’t just going crazy.

Just before arrival to port, it’s the last of the capitalism time. They’re selling all the photos they took on the trip, at some frankly exorbitant prices. $20 for one JPEG seems out of control, but it’s such a great photo, I can’t not!

We end the day with a quick supper, and it’s off to bed for another exciting day tomorrow.

29 January 2023 (Train Day)

It's 🚂TRAIN DAY!🚂

CHOO-CHOO!

Yesterday was exceptional in natural beauty but now we’re doing what promises to be my favourite thing, train time! There’s a historic train line that operates from right outside our hostel to the town of Kuranda, up in the hills. It’s an easy morning, since the first train leaves at 09:30 and we’re less than two minutes from the station.

Once onboard, we’re treated to these very well preserved 100-year-old train cars, pulled by a slightly more modern locomotive. There are no high tech comforts like Wi-Fi, outlets, or even air conditioning. They’ve got a water cooler in each carriage and windows that slide open, but that’s more than enough. The train pulls away from Cairns central station and it’s almost instantly an incredibly gorgeous ride. After a brief stop to pick up some more people, we start making our way up into the hills, gaining elevation and appreciation for the labour that went into building this at the same time. A recording plays as we go up, describing points of note the entire way. Building this line took five years to go 37 kilometres, not exactly a quick pace. In fairness, most civil works these days are barely any faster, and they’re not blasting by hand through incredibly thick jungle.

I can’t describe how stunning this journey is, so I’ll provide so pictures. They can’t either, but they’ll do a better job than I can.

Once we get to the end of the run in Kuranda, it’s time to disembark and explore this cute little town. I’m not sure what I was expecting – I did no research on this prior to boarding, but it whatever I had imagined wasn’t what we got. Kuranda is what I’d describe as a Hippy’s dream town – tropical foliage, little shops weaving through the jungle along footpaths inaccessible by cars, and a strong helping of “alternative” (quack) science type places, be it crystal healers or tarot card readers.

We spend a couple hours wandering the village, and take a break at this quaint little Japanese tea room overlooking the jungle. They’ve got some interesting tea creations, which sounded better than they taste. Still, the setting more than makes up for an only alright tea. After tea, we keep on and find a crashed airplane hanging out along the side of a path, and keep going and find someone handing out gin samples. If you choose anywhere to crash a plane, I have to admit, free gin samples are a good place to aim for.

More wandering brings us to though a nature trail that loops the outside of the village, along the river, and back past the train station. You can take a boat tour along the river, which seems like a very questionable decision. Unlike a tour of an urban river with interesting buildings, this river has two things. Trees and brown water. There is nothing else. Just more trees and more murky brown water.

We do not opt for a boat tour, and continue on the path back into town, which brings us through the hippy area and through to a store selling mango wine and liqueur. It looks great, smells great, and tastes… oh hold on, it’s $1 per sample if you want to taste anything. They’ll waive the cost if you buy something, which Shanae decides to do. I’m standing firm on not paying, simply because I think this policy is insane.

I don’t think they care too much about my silent protest.

It’s now back down the hill and onto the train for the ride home, and we can see all the same stuff in reverse! It’s just as stunning as the way up, and thankfully not overly busy so we have plenty of space in the carriage to look out all the windows. We stop by the supermarket to get stuff for supper, and then I am treated to a masterclass in cooking with healthy eating expert and Executive Head Chef Shanae Oliver. On the menu tonight are yam burritos, but entirely cooked in one pan. I’m dismayed to learn the onions aren’t going in first to properly cook, but it turns out Shanae has got the one pot cooking game figured out. Supper is great, and we’ve got leftovers for tomorrow.

30 January 2023

Alright, it’s time to start our slow journey down the coast towards Brisbane, where we’ll fly home to Canada. First things first we need to walk down to the Avis to get the car to drive about 400km over two days down to Townsville which means learning how to drive on the other side of the road. When I say learning, I mean doing and hoping I don’t immediately crash.

The Avis folks were very speedy in giving us the keys, and we were off to the races… or the body shop. Shockingly, the wrong side of the road experience wasn’t instantly horrible. It’s surprisingly automatic to convert everything to the other side!

One thing that would’ve made this car even better is Apple CarPlay, which it is equipped with, but my Aliexpress $1.99 special 2-in-1 iPhone and Apple Watch charger notedly does NOT support CarPlay. It also barely supports charging either of the two things it’s supposed to, and definitely not both at the same time.

Grievances about technology aside, this drive is unbelievable. The rainforest we’re driving by is incredibly lush, and green to a point I didn’t know possible. The occasional waterfall and low cloud make it even more dynamic and beautiful. Driving along we come off the highway and are presented with a couple interesting things. They’ve got all these railway crossings, but the gauge of the track is no more than ¼ of regular train tracks. They’re just for teeny agriculture trains, apparently! I’m saddened that we don’t see any of these in action, no matter how much I stop at every crossing to Look, Listen, Live as the ads say. The next thing is we dip down on the road and they’ve routed a river through the road. It’s not flooding, they’ve just put the river on top of the road when it is rainy instead of digging a culvert.

Interesting strategy. I won’t lie, I wish we did this more in Canada so I could make more big splashes with the car. Having a rental also helps the enthusiasm about going through at high speed.

The rental car once again comes in handy when I pull into the parking lot and discover, via the oil pan, that only half the parking lot is paved and the gravel section is 10 centimetres lower than the pavement.

Our first stop on this half of the drive is Behana Gorge, a short walk up a track to Clamshell Falls. I’ve come well equipped for this “sealed track” as they call it (a paved path in Canada) with my running shoes, which presents an issue when the very entertaining strategy of running rivers over top of the road from two paragraphs ago reappears along this path.

It’s apparently a 45-minute walk, which is about how long it took us in the end. The only distinction is we walked quickly and did it in about 25, and I spend the other 20 taking my shoes off and walking barefoot through the streams and then putting them back on, only to do it all over ten meters later.

It’s extremely hot, at least for me accustomed to winter in Canada, but the view of the river is just incredible. We get up to the view of the falls, which is very nice but not as swimmable as some of the reviews online would suggest (at least with this amount of water). As soon as we stop, Shanae is instantly targeted by heat seeking missiles – or, heat seeking something which are almost as big as a missile! For some reason, the bugs aren’t interested in me, just Shanae. No time to enjoy the view then, we’ve got to get out of this war zone.

After the return journey with just as many times taking my shoes off and on again, we’re back on the road to stop at Babinda Boulders, another park along the river for potential swimming opportunities and general nature appreciation.

Getting out of the air-conditioned car every time is a struggle, and even more so now that it’s lightly starting to rain. I’m either getting soaked in rain or sweat under my rain jacket, so there’s not any avoiding it. After a nutritious lunch of Biscoff Spread on bread and some leftovers, it’s swimming time. As I am already swimming in sweat/rain, I elect to stay on the shore for this one. Shanae has a little swim in the river, but it’s not the most exciting. If it was less wet on land, this would be a perfect for a family day out, but right now we’re content to take a little walk along the river and then head back to the car to see what else is in store.

After another little drive, we arrive at Josephine Falls which is a short little hike in to see some wonderful waterfalls, and maybe a little swim. Once we change into our swim suit and I switch my runners for the water shoes I have acquired - $3.99 “AUSTRALIA” flip flops – we’re off along the trail. After a very short walk, we come to a board walked section and then to the falls themselves.

There are also these incessant red flashing lights with some signs attached – “WHEN FLASHING: FLASH FLOOD RISK. SEEK HIGH GROUND IMMEDIATELY”

Oh, no worries. That seems serious, especially since it’s lightly raining and looks like it could be raining harder at higher elevations. After receiving this important safety information, I’m keen to follow the lead of the locals in how to respond… oh wait, they’re predominantly ignoring the warnings and sitting in the river or the rocks right down beside it.

I hear Bluetooth speakers and beer bottles provide excellent protection against flash flooding and other impacts of the climate crisis, at least.

I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in my travel insurance that if there’s blinking red lights saying don’t do something and I ignore that, they won’t pay, so we take a quick photo and head back to the car, off to our next stop along the drive.

We contemplated stopping at some park promising historical ruins of some variety, however, once we pick up an LTE signal, we discover its $50 each so that’s off the agenda. We start down a scenic highway to find another waterfall, which is becoming sort of a theme. One might wonder why we’re spending all this time chasing waterfalls when the sky is intermittently dumping huge amounts of water on us. It’s a good point, and this on and off firehose is so bad at one point I had to pull over because all I could see was the lake on the windscreen.

As we continue down the highway, we’re close to our waterfall turn off, and there’s this great big truck barrelling down right behind us, which is a little problematic for driving slowly to find the turn off. Predictably, we drive right past where Google Maps says it is with absolutely zero clue as to where the alleged turn was.

No worries, there’s so many waterfalls in this area we’ll just carry on to the next one. There’s no cell service, but on our offline maps we can see Serendipity Falls is shortly ahead and that sounds perfect. It even looks like it’s right on the side of the road.

Google Maps tells us we’re here and immediately Shanae and I are struggling to breathe – not from the elevation we just drove up, but from laughing to hard about what we’ve driven all this way for. The falls in question are about as tall as I am, and I’ve seen hotel showers with more water going through them.

Serendipitous

It’s a hilarious stop, and a nice break from driving but doesn’t quite itch the waterfall bug so we turn around and try again to find the falls we missed on the way up.

Second time is the charm, and we park and start to hike along the track to the waterfalls. This place is great as there’s a two for one deal on – it’s one track for both Tchupala and Wallacha Falls, and they also promise not to be the "fun sized" version we had earlier.

Tropical Northern Queensland is an incredible place, and this is a great example of the lush, vibrant rainforest that is makes up so much of this great state. It continues to lightly rain as we hike, but it’s not a long walk at all. The first set of falls is a big success, and we are most of the way to the second one when the rain has somewhat picked up and we start to expedite our pace. We’re almost there when we make another discovery – they aren’t kidding when they say the rainforest is alive.

It's raining leeches.

That’s right, the gross little vampires I though lived in the muddy bits of lakes also live in the rainforest! And they drop on you from branches while you walk!! Australia is truly living up to it’s reputation, and I’m immediately preoccupied trying to get these freeloaders off my shoe before they make it any further up my socks. Shanae is not faring better, and finds one already biting her.

We are so close to the end of the trail that we sprint to the end, take one photo of the falls, and pivot right around to head back to the car at top speed. I’m not a great runner but it turns out I can jog 1.4km when leeches is the other option!

The one photo we got of the falls

Once we’re safely back in our little hatchback, we do a big investigation for any further leech action. Even knowing I’ve searched all over doesn’t negate the feeling for the rest of the drive that that prick must have been one, which is a fun feeling for an hour long drive to the hostel.

Soon enough we make it to our accommodation for the night, the aptly named Jackaroo Tree House Hostel. It looks out right into the rainforest, and is a stunning view. The owner checks us in, runs through the information, and then spends about 15 minutes extoling the virtues of a clean kitchen, plus the disciplinary action they will take if you disrespect the kitchen or leave any unattended dishes.

I’m convinced this guy has moved here from the states, where he retired as the director of the TSA. The “do NOT leave your forks, knifes, or bowls unattended at any time or they will be destroyed and you will be fined” bears an alarming similarity to the announcement you hear in airports with regard to unattended baggage.

Once we sort that out, we find our room and find another guest inside, too. It’s not the human variety – though there is one of those, too – but instead the eight-legged spider-eating sort. It’s a Huntsman Spider! They’re not dangerous to humans, but they are sort of big so we turn to our Kitchen Security Administration director and let him know there’s an unattended arachnid in our room. He thanks us for Seeing Something, Saying Something and is on the case right away.

He uses the advanced spider catching tool of... his bare hands to track the offender down, and gently scoops him up and takes him outside. It’s all a fun end to a day already full of wildlife.

31 January 2023

It’s an early morning today, as we hit the road to get the car dropped off at the Townsville Airport and then make our way to Magnetic Island. We’ve left some laundry to dry overnight and the assessment is currently bleak as to how much it’s actually dried. It’s roasting here in the day but overnight, apparently not so much.

Once we get to the car to commence the conversion from back seat into laundry rack, we discover that some friends also want to enjoy our rental car. Namely, it’s entirely covered with some variety of leafcutter ants who seem very uninterested in leaving.

After a short attempt at de-anting the car, I figure driving will blow them off. The highways around here go up to at least 100km/h, so that’ll be fine.

These ants apparently have little suction cups on their feet, because we’re doing the speed limit and these guys are wandering around the windscreen no problem – I think I see one even styling its hair and using the slipstream as a blow dryer!

We make a brief stop to adjust some laundry and attempt to de-ant the car again, which proves just as futile as the last time. The sticky feet again make it extremely difficult to flick them off, at least without killing them.

Back on the road, the Australians really aren’t messing around with the road signs. I’m used to “Rest Stop – 300 metres” “Wifi Zone – It can wait!” but the Queensland Government evidently was not satisfied this would educate drivers on the dangers of driving while fatigued.

Driver Reviver ahead, 250m:

STOP. REVIVE. SURVIVE.

DON’T TRUST YOUR TIRED SELF.

PLEASE ARRIVE ALIVE.

Free tea when open!

The free tea when open sure is my favourite detail after all the warnings about mortality - though recent government decisions have actually closed that program in Queensland, so no free tea for us. We pull into a Driver Reviver, half for the novelty and half to acquire some roadside pineapples that they’re selling at a stand. There’s no one there, just a huge stack of pineapples and a box for your cash. A pineapple is $2.50 AUD, or about what the store in Canada charges you to look at a pineapple.

We take this as yet another chance to flick some ants off the car, and they still are all over the place. Thankfully, none have managed to get inside the car. Already this is going to be hard to explain to Avis, but a whole bug zoo inside is going to require a really good story.

Back on the highway, we stop once again for a midmorning break. Getting out of the car, I find that my ant removal from the last stop has had an unintended consequence – one is somehow on me, and biting me!

It’s a cute little town we’ve stopped in, and curiously, a lot of the warning signs are in German. Locals say it’s because a lot of German tourists come and do stupid things, hence the need for “Achtung!” everywhere.

We’ve got more miles to do, and eventually arrive into the town of Townsville, the final stop of the road trip and the connection point to Magnetic Island. Thankfully, the ants on the car have mostly subsided by this point, making it a painless process to return the car.

On foot, it’s a struggle to adapt to the heat after being in the air conditioning all day. Google Maps shows a short walk through the airport lands to get to the bus stop but frustratingly, the airport authority has put up a massive chain link fence on the road that connects us to the bus stop, nearly tripling the length we need to walk. Of course, we only find this out after having walked all the way to the offending fence! Backtracking and missing our bus in the meantime, we finally get to the bus stop and I am just about having a nosebleed from the heat.

Now catching a later bus than planned, we screech into the ferry terminal with literal seconds left to board, and they still have to issue our tickets at the desk. Thank goodness these people are so kind, they quickly found our prepaid tickets and let us on without any trouble, gangway coming up right as we step on.

Once on Magnetic Island, we’ve got our transfers out from the last bus – after all, it’s the same transit agency and the same fare region. The bus driver thinks he’s got us at first, smugly asking “where did you get those?” as if we had been given the non-transferrable proof of payment by someone else. “The bus driver in Townsville” was evidently not the answer he was expecting, as he looked at us quizzically for a bit and then determined that he wouldn’t honour it anyway.

Once we check into our hostel, we find a couple people asleep in the bunks – it’s 3pm, so I’m a little concerned we’ve got some serious party folk here. They seem pleasant enough, but time shall tell.

I’m dead exhausted at this point, so a short 4km walk is, somehow, the activity of choice for the remainder of the afternoon. This is the least relaxing tropical holiday I’ve ever heard of.

After a complimentary supper, it’s time for bed, with another action packed day on the books for tomorrow.

01 February 2023

It’s another morning of Biscoff Spread sandwiches, for breakfast. You’d think perhaps that I’d be tired of them by now but you would underestimate how fantastic Biscoff is. And we aren’t bringing it home, so may as well!

It’s a bit of a hustle to get the bus, but we make the hourly service and are on our way to the Forts Walk, a park reserve with gun turrets from the Second World War. They’re supposed to be koalas around these parts, just in the wild and amazingly, we see one almost immediately upon starting the hike! It’s just chilling right near the path, not doing much aside looking cute.

We press on in the stifling heat, and find a couple more along the path, as it climbs up to the look out point. I’m absolutely dying of heat at this point, but still wearing long sleeves because the UV index is also off the charts. Further up, we even find a koala with a baby in its arms!

It’s a cool place to look out and climb up the old batteries, with many of the old concrete buildings and gun emplacements still standing. The guns however are long gone, lest any frustrated tourists attempt to start shooting any of the creepy crawlies Australia is known for.

It’s all downhill from here now… except, of course, the parts that are uphill. For the most part however, it’s an easy walk down to Florence Bay, which we have all to ourselves and then along the coast line until we reach the town of Horseshoe Bay.

After some much needed gelato to (temporarily) cool down, Shanae mentions that we can go to another hostel and they have a big bat colony right nearby. As it turns out, she’s right – it’s a colony, they’re bats, and the bats are BIG. I think of bats as small enough to fit in my hands, but these are more like Canada Goose sized, hanging upside down in the trees.

02 February 2023

CRASH

What the heck? I’m rudely awoken to a commotion inside our little hostel A frame, and open my eyes enough to see my phone – 0130. Amazing. Our roommates are just getting in from partying on the beach, and want to keep the party going in here.

Soon enough the noise dies down and…

CRASH

Oh, here we go again, this time, with a little light! It’s now 0530 and I guess the party has to get started early around here! The roommates are now packing up, a task neglected during the partying, and make their way out the door after ensuring they packed up all their stuff and all my ability to sleep.

Well, onwards and upwards, I guess. Eventually it’s actually time for me to wake up, everyone else having departed the cabin by now. It’s time to leave Magnetic Island and head out to Brisbane, so we’re having breakfast, packing up, and making our way out the door.

At the bus stop, we meet the most flamboyant person I’ve ever seen, chatting with someone who he either just met or has known forever? He’s so charismatic, it’s hard to tell. We get chatting and he says he’s from Vancouver – the next thing he says is a tirade about how Albertans cannot read – so I know he’s not lying!

Our bus arrives at the ferry just in time for the sailing, and once we alight, Shanae has to freshen up by applying Axe Leather Cookies aerosol deodorant. I didn’t know you could make cookies out of leather, but who am I to question the likes of Proctor and Gamble.

Once we arrive in Townsville again, Shanae has an extra ferry ticket by mistake and has to try to sell it to someone. It’s a common scam in transportation hubs, but thankfully, someone was trusting enough to buy the (legitimate) ticket and we can get on our way to the airport. I’ve seen some ads for their local Uber competitor, and after installing have requested a ride.

After about seven minutes of the thing spinning in circles, I’m beginning to think this might not be working. We need to get this show on the road so we walk around the corner…right into a fully staffed taxi rank. Thank goodness some things haven’t been entirely replaced with apps.

Australian airports are an interesting place. Nowhere during the check in or boarding process is ID ever required, and going through security you don’t need a boarding pass! However, Shanae had tape in her bag and that, of all things, got it pulled over? Apparently, you cannot have hockey tape unless it’s for medical reasons. Once through security, things get no less weird with the kangaroo meat jerky available for sale at the store.

Our flight out is absolutely incredible, climbing out over Magnetic Island with stunning views, and then an approach into the Brisbane Airport right over the city centre. Qantas keep us well fed, with light snacks served on this flight of only one hour.

After all that, it’s a nice dinner with Shanae’s family friends and off to sleep, with only one more day of activities in Australia!

03 February 2023

Waking up, it feels like we’re on the surface of the sun. Today is supposed to be one of Brisbane’s hottest days of the summer so far, which makes me so glad to be in an air conditioned apartment. It’s not even that late either, so it’s only getting hotter from here.

First order of business today is taking the train downtown to central Brisbane, where we’ll spend the day before some family visiting in the evening. Once we get downtown, it’s a short walk to the Roma Street Gardens and a lovely breakfast there in an open-air café. The gardens themselves are absolutely massive and stunning, and best of all, free! We try to make a go at seeing a lot of it, without getting too hot in the sun. There are a couple points where we got close to overdoing it and I felt a nosebleed coming on, but thankfully, no nosebleed materialized.

After that, in City Hall, there’s a really neat art exhibit that is almost a reverse escape room? You walk into this bland office space and have to interact with the furnishings in a specific way to unlock real life “easter eggs” that do surprising things and make the place more interesting, like all of a sudden switching the white lights to disco themed. It’s neat!

A quick lunch stop at a wonderful south east Asian place has a little cultural learning for me besides the different types of food: in Canada, “entrée” means your main dish. In French, “entrée” means entrance, which makes sense that it’d be a synonym for starter dishes. I’d expect that in France. I absolutely did not in Australia and was thoroughly confused why my “main dish” was so small!

After lunch, it’s onwards to a tour of the wonderful Queensland museums, followed by a quick stop to get some local Australian gin at what appears to be a more high-end liquor store. Buddy behind the counter was the least helpful person in the entire country, and their selection rivalled that of a 7-Eleven. It was not a useful stop.

About time to go home, we head to the train station to reload our Translink Go cards and get the train out to the suburbs. As we’re walking up to the machine, a portal to the 1980s opens and a woman roller skates into view, looking absolutely iconic. The whole wild hair, colourful clothes, and only missing a hand drawn protest sign. The problem is, our new friend from the past is now ahead of us at the one card machine and is taking forever to try to use to, so we’re going to miss our train.

Thankfully, we try some 1980s technology of our own – going to the wicket and talking to someone – getting our cards reloaded just in time to catch the train departing a minute after we board.

04 February 2023

It’s the final day! Well, if you can call it one day. We’re getting up, flying all day long, and then expect to land in the YVR airport at around 6am, ready to do the day all over again. With an early wake up call in Brisbane, we pack up our stuff and have a quick breakfast of scrambled eggs before heading off to the airport.

Upon arrival to the BNE airport, someone is already quite cross and is screaming at another driver about some parking issue. Come on folks, you haven’t even checked in yet! Leave the entirely unwarranted and inappropriate screaming for the underpaid airline employees…or something like that!

Whatever the issue was, we head inside to face an issue of our own: the line for the check in stretches about the length of a couple football fields. Rumour down the line is that the belt system isn’t working, and the airport authority is trying to fix it. Fair enough, and they won’t leave everyone behind so there’s no stress. Once the engineers make the conveyor convey once more, it’s an efficient check in and we’re off to security where someone else is having a melt down that security told her to wait with her bag until it’s inducted into the X-ray, and she had a strong desire to wait on the other side.

The airport is such an interesting place.

On the other side of security, we find an extensive Australian gin collection that really puts the liquor store in Brisbane city to shame – I wasn’t sure they’d have a lot of local stuff, but I severely underestimated how well stocked the duty free is. It’s unfortunate that Canadian law only allows for 1.14l of duty-free spirits, but this rule certainly reduced my Amex bill this month.

They haven’t yet started boarding our Boeing 787-9 Dreamliner back to Vancouver, so I figure it’ll be no problem to get a quick tea before boarding. Turns out, that was not the right call. The line to order was quick but the baristas making the drinks were anything but. I almost gave up but they finally called my name, and I ran back to the gate to find them already in the final zone to board. Good news, no idly hanging around the waiting area!

Bad news, they don’t allow you to take hot beverages down to the aircraft (???). This is not a rule I’ve ever heard of, and would start a riot in Canada if you tried to deny people boarding early flights in the dead of winter their coffees, but no problem. Nothing better to chug at a boarding podium than 100°C tea.

Once onboard, we were swiftly on our way and got a very much appreciated kick from the tailwinds on route, shortening the flight time by a whole hour against scheduled. There’s plenty of time to catch up on all sorts of interesting (Slash Back), sad (Where the Crawdads Sing), and downright bizarre and violent (The Menu) films.

The arrival into Canada can’t some soon enough, and finally our wheels touch down in a still dark Vancouver airport. It feels like it’s bed time, especially being dark, but it’s nearly 6am and we still have a full day to go! It’s now just a short hop to Victoria, and then home! Staying awake for the next 12+ hours will be the biggest challenge, but the only way to get over the jetlag is to fight through.

Goodbye Richmond, hello sleep

That draws to an end my trip to Australia, and I hope you’ve enjoyed this diary of it. Yes, it took nearly a year to publish this - oops!

Thanks for reading and travel well!